Are your kids challenging you?
Here's a different approach to
understanding child behaviour
Some parenting advice
Here I will give you some parenting advice of the kind you probably will not get anywhere else.
A totally different approach to understanding child behaviour.
I realise this is a very sensitive matter, after all - we are talking about our greatest creation and our most precious 'treasure'...
So before we begin it's important to be clear on a few things.
The purpose of this page is simply to help you. There is no hidden agenda, no criticism, no judgment, so please, do not criticise or judge yourself, your partner or anyone else for that matter.
We all know that kids do not come with an instruction manual.
All we can do comes from the best of our knowledge and experience.
Here I will bring your awareness to some things, and this increased awareness could create a shift in your perception of your relationship with your child. Everything I say here is true and works. If you are truly honest with yourself you will know it is, and understand how powerful you are.
Use this new awareness to bring harmony to your relationship with your kids and all will benefit from it.
It is no accident or a coincidence that certain kids are born to certain parents under certain circumstances.
There is a reason for everything, and you and your partner are part of your child's lesson in this life, just as much as your child is part of yours.
Your power to make a difference comes from understanding YOUR part in the big scheme of things and applying it in your life.
The first parenting advice I will give you is to understand that you can only control your own behaviour and perception and that's where your responsibility lies. You cannot control your spouse and therefore - are not responsible for their perception and behaviour.
When you witness your partner handling a situation with your child, do not interfere even if you disagree (with the exception of cases of plain abuse, of course). Remember it is part of your child's lesson with their other parent. You can discuss it later discretely, and express your feelings, but never in front of your child. And remember you can only inspire your partner and not control them, so be aware of it and avoid trying.
Good communication (which includes listening to the others' point of view) between couples is a very important key when it comes to parenting. The purpose of this communication is coming to a clear agreement about rules and boundaries, and unequivocally keeping them. This is a golden principle in child behaviour and a very basic parenting advice. To feel safe, kids need very clear rules and boundaries, and they will always test you to confirm boundaries.
It's something that is 'built into' natural child behaviour.
A different message from each parent causes confusion that leads to other challenges, that could easily have been avoided by simply applying this one golden child behaviour principle.
In so many cases, not applying this principle is in the root of all other parenting challenges.
Now that we have cleared this point, let's get to parenting advice that is to do with your child and yourself.
Child behaviour is mainly a reflection for a parent.
Yes, there is always the personality 'ingredient', and each child comes with their own special personality. This personality will definitely affect the way your child perceives their experiences. However, first and foremost, child behaviour is a reflection of their parents.
Even babies respond to their parents' vibration. A baby would usually be peaceful and quiet with a calm parent (when no other discomfort is bothering them...). You might tell yourself you are calm and behave in a calm manner, however, if deep inside you are worried, frustrated, feeling guilty and/or unhappy for any reason - your baby can sense it and will respond to what you really are feeling.
I see this one as great parenting advice since it gives you control over changing it, and more than that - it teaches you that when you truly feel good your child is happy. So when applying this parenting advice both sides end up happy, and you understand the pointlessness of 'sacrificing' your happiness and guilty feelings. All you have to do is look inside and become aware of the change that will make you calmer and happier. If you honestly want to learn here, I will give you a hint that this change has got nothing to do with material things and external circumstances but only with your perception, priorities and belief system or paradigms. Anything that is running the show in the background without you necessarily being aware of it. This simple awareness can make a HUGE difference, trust me on this one, I know because it happened to me. Try it for yourself and I promise you, you WILL feel the power
So with babies it's fairly simple. As your child grows, it gets a bit more sophisticated, though the same principle applies. If you feel that your kid is making you angry, impatient or simply somehow drives you crazy (and I just named the most common feelings...), your power will come from looking within. Understand that it is only another lesson for you, that will disappear once you have learned it. If you choose to ignore the lesson or resist it - it will continue coming to you in more extreme versions...
So your best choice is always to be aware of, and understand the source of your feelings (and that applies to every situation in your life...).
Otherwise, whether you are aware of it or not, your other choice is to be a 'victim' of your child's behaviour, and thus giving them control over the situation. A child controlling the parent is the most common cause of all challenges, because unconsciously, our kids can read us like an open book, and if we are not one step ahead, they will always find a way to manipulate us by 'pushing our buttons'.
Being one step ahead means being very aware of yourself - your feelings and your behaviour. Once you are, the right way to handle a situation will become very clear to you, and your kid would unconsciously appreciate you gaining control because they will feel safe again.
Common sources of challenging feelings are need to control others, feeling guilty about something and denying it to ourselves which creates an inner conflict. Another inner conflict arises when the child within wants to be recognized and accepted and we deny it, and those are just a few, to help get you thinking a bit deeper than you might be used to...
Impatience, for example, is an indication we are not in the now but somewhere lost in our mind. Whenever I feel impatient, on any situation in life, I take a deep breath and tell myself 'this is another lesson in patience...'. Believe me, the more I do it the less it happens to me. Practice makes perfect... well, if not perfect it sure does make things easier the more you do it. Which means the first applications will always be the more challenging ones, though persistence and determination proves more than worth it and before you know it - it becomes second nature to you.
So now that you have a different perspective on child behaviour you see that my parenting advice is quite basic and simple. Doesn't necessarily mean the application is simple but I assure you it is so worth it.
On this website you will find tools to help and support you, and I am always happy to give further parenting advice on other more specific matters to do with child behaviour.
Remember I told you that child behaviour is mainly a reflection for a parent. I will conclude my parenting advice with a very important thing to remember. Parenting means we have responsibility to our kids until they are no longer kids. Child behaviour is not a reflection of the eduction system. Our kids get their values and core beliefs from us. This is why our responsibility for becoming more aware of ourselves is so important.
We are the educators of the next generation, and even though becoming a parent does not come with instructions, we all have the answers deep inside. All you need to do is clear out the clutter in your mind, be still and listen to yourself. And that is the best parenting advice you can get.
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